Literally no mercy

One night I was helping Arlo floss his teeth before bed while perched atop the closed commode, and I noticed that the toilet paper roll was nearly bare. I asked Summerly if she would please look under her sink for a new roll, as I was sure that there was one in the cabinet. She opened the cabinet and said, “No, there isn’t one in there.” Now, I realize that this child is challenged when it comes to organization, tidiness, and finding things, even ones that are in plain sight, so I almost expected this. I took a deep breath and said, “Are you sure? I swear there’s one in there. Would you please look again?” She opened the cabinet again, scanned the interior, and closed it.

“Nope,” she said, absolutely deadpan. “There isn’t one.” I began to get annoyed. I was absolutely positive that I had unpacked an entire packet of toilet paper only a few nights earlier and stored the entirety of its contents–six rolls, at least–in that cabinet. No way had they gone through that much toilet paper within the space of a week. Or had they? Was one of them being irresponsibly profligate when it came to wiping? Why would they do that? Is someone experiencing OCD symptoms pertaining to toilet tissue? Should I be worried about the plumbing? What an enormous waste of money and resources! I loathe wasted money and resources! Haven’t I impressed this upon these people? Or maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I dreamed that I put toilet paper under there. Was I drunk? Could I have imagined doing that because I’ve done it so many times before? Was it a different sink and I’m just completely dissociating? Or is my daughter seriously unable to see a stack of toilet paper in a cabinet when there is nothing else except a cylinder of Lysol wipes under there? Should I be worried about her? I decided to try a third time. “Sweetie, either I’m losing my mind or there is some toilet paper in the cabinet after all. There should be several rolls stacked on the right side, closest to me.”

The girl looked me in the eyes and said with a complete poker face, “Oh, there are six rolls under there. But you asked if there was one.”

Kids are evil.

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