Twenty things I never thought I’d say

  1. “Please stop clapping while I’m flossing your teeth.”
  2. “It just took you forty minutes to eat that bowl of cereal.”
  3. “Oh, all right. You can bring home the three-footed hamster. But let me be the one to tell Daddy.”
  4. “Wait, you wore underwear today? Wow. That’s cool.”
  5. “Maybe you could bring a container to school to put the spiders in it. That way you wouldn’t put them directly into your backpack..”
  6. “Thank you for asking him so nicely to shoot that zombie!”
  7. “You know, I am aware that you try to drink soy sauce every time I turn my back.”
  8. “Do NOT touch the television with your face.”
  9. “It’s not that I don’t think it’s cool that you can blow bubbles with your spit. It’s just that you’ve shown me enough times and I don’t really want to look at them anymore.”
  10. “Yes, honey. Naming grubs IS hard.”
  11. “Please don’t call me ‘ladyservant.'”
  12. “Earbuds are not for cleaning your ears.”
  13. “I love being able to see the floor in your room!”
  14. “Yes, I know you mean the mouthwash tastes like grape vomit, and I know you mean the kind of vomit that would come out of a grape, not human vomit full of grapes.”
  15. “What you’re really asking is for me to micromanage you. And I won’t do it. “
  16. “No, I didn’t say that I weaponized Snape. I said that I recognized Nate.”
  17. “Those grapes are for the fruit flies so we’ll have larvae to feed your spiders this winter.”
  18. “Let’s not have the scenario where you blow a bubble with your gum while wearing a mask during your piano lesson again this week, ok?”
  19. “Please don’t sit down on my bed while I’m in the process of making it.”
  20. “Oh, you said you have pee in your pants? Phew. I thought you said you had three million ants.”

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